this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
