Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
