Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
