Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I can't put those talents on a resume
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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