I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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