I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
