Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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