fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
