i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
