his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
