I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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