when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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