I cannot find my penis.
I cockslap morals
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
