I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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