but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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