Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
