Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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