Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
