last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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