I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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