Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
