Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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