as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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