I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
