My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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