I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
