Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
