You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
