I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
