I think I am morally bankrupt
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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