I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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