Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
