It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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