Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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