please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
