What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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