I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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