hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
