Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
