i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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