Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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