I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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