She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This is classic penis vs brain.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
