I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
