the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
it's like iHOP with fire
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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