Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
