she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
