My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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