I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
