My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
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The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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