we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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