I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
