I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
