Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
