i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
